For Discussion

I think things would be different if you had just abandoned me. I think it would have been easier for me to deal with. But you didn’t just abandon me. As I fell, you stepped away, kicked me, and then abandoned me. I wasn’t just abandoned; I was beaten.

In my fall, I didn’t just learn that life was unfair. I learned that life would abuse me. I cried when I felt I had been abandoned. I stopped crying when I felt like I had been abused.

Symptoms of emotional abuse:

If you tell him your problems, he says you're bothering him.

If you call him, he says you're needy and clingy.

It’s very difficult for me to go back into the world again. I’m trying to fight the sense of paranoia, but it’s there sometimes under the surface. How can I love again when that love has both betrayal and abuse attached to it?

This is the mental state that I’ve come to.

Statement order:

1) I don’t want…..

2) I want…..

Examples:

1) I don’t want you to think that I don’t appreciate how you’ve had a paradigm shift. I see that it’s good for you.

2) I don’t want you to think that I’ve forgotten all the good times we had together. There are times when I can still think about them and respond to them, usually with crying over the betrayal of abandonment.

3) What I really want is to genuinely be acknowledged.

4) I want to hear your explanation of what happened.

5) I do want us to be able to talk so that we can understand each other about…

I’m not sure what I want yet. I need to have some time to sit with what you’ve said.

You say that you’ve changed, that you’re different now. But I’m not sure that you’re different from that person who abandoned me and abused me, and I know that I can’t trust anything that he told me. When I look at your face, it’s the same face. It will take time for me to get to know this new person that you’ve become. At this point, I’m very antsy about trekking out of myself to try again, but I do know that I want to regain a sense of openness, trust, and mental health.

***** ***** *****

http://www.blacksunjournal.com/psychology/18_betrayal-part-1-of-3-by-james-hillman_2001.html

You betrayed me, John. It was the ultimate betrayal. You intentionally withheld the love and support that I had come to rely upon - the way God abandoned Jesus to the cross, ignoring his pleas. You were intentionally brutal. You intentionally sacrificed me.

I don't believe in the supernatural element of these stories as real, but I do believe in the power of the stories to express the human condition.

Like Jesus trusting in God, I trusted that:

• You wouldn't hurt me.
• If you did hurt me, you would be regretful and soothe me and work to fix the hurt.
• If you left, you would come back.
• You would be there for me.
• You would work with me through anything.
• You would hold me through the struggles.
• You would trust me to work my way back to you when I was hurt.
• When I reached out, you would respond to me.
• Deep down in your core, you loved me.

That trust was betrayed.

***** ***** *****

Three Principal Patterns of Attachment

Attachment researchers have categorized people based on three principal patterns of attachment. The first is a pattern of secure attachment, in which the person is confident that someone (like a lover) will be available, responsive, and helpful.

The second is that of anxious resistant attachment, in which the individual is uncertain if someone will be available and because of that uncertainty, is prone to separation anxiety and is anxious about exploring the world.

The third pattern is an anxious avoidant attachment, in which the individual has no confidence that when he or she seeks care, they will be responded to, and on the contrary, expects rejection.

Adult Romantic Attachment
These three kinds of patterns play out in adult romantic life as well in childhood attachment. It is estimated that only about 20 percent of the American population has secure attachment behaviors -- the ability to give and receive care with comfort, and a degree of self-esteem that is not dependent on their lover's reinforcement. What's left in most of us? We either have a tendency to avoid feelings and closeness, or a confusing pattern of craving and mistrusting love -- in various degrees.

People with anxious attachment disorder are vigilant clock-watchers. Since they are dependent on contact and affirmation from their partner, they have an uncanny ability to sense if contact is waning. They tend to be chronic voice mail and e-mail checkers, and have a need for constant texting. They can also be easily prone to feelings of jealousy. They love and respect their partner, but are also wary that that love may disappear. And, while people with anxious attachment disorder crave closeness, they can also be surprisingly terrified when they actually get what they crave. We've all met or dated someone who sent us contradictory messages and led us to believe they were interested, only to disappear or behave badly and send us running. People with anxious attachment disorder don't trust that love is real or reliable, and so they often behave badly when things feel too good.

Attachment theory holds so many keys to adult romantic pair bonding. The unique mating dance of couples is choreographed by the internal world of both partners, creating, in the end, a performance that runs the gamut from an embracing waltz to one in which the dancers continually step on each others' feet. It is a reflection of the secret world of an infant and parent, played out again with a grown-up body and a new kind of mother -- a lover.

The Role of Jealousy

I’ve always been very social. You were a very jealous person. In order to help you feel more secure in the relationship, I intentionally cut myself off from others (even in casual friendship). You became my center, and my attachment to you was very strong.

Because my other sources of support became more limited with time, it was even more devastating when you were unreliable and flat out rejected me. It was the ultimate betrayal. When you pulled away and I was hurting, I knew that I needed to reach out for support. I would think about it. And when I told you my thoughts, you would call me weak and disparage me. I wasn’t strong enough to stay with you despite the hurt. This reaction would cut into my self-esteem and damage the relationship even more.

So many times, you needed space. If I had had more social outlets to turn to in those times, I could have adapted to that better. You just didn’t understand how I could be social and dedicated. As long as most of my interaction was with you…. But that interaction became less and less….

If I had had other social outlets to turn to as you faded away, it would have been so much easier. Our relationship could have faded. But the way it happened, it was torn asunder. I had dedicated myself to you and fully attached to you due to your promises of love. I cut off my alternatives for you. So when you ultimately cut me out and rejected me, I was absolutely devastated.

I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to have a relationship again. What I do know is that if we did have one, it would take an incredible amount of patience and time to build up again, even more so than a new relationship might take. This is because of the many deep wounds that would have to be healed before progress toward trust could be fostered….

If it were to work, it would mean that you would have to take the chance of dedicating yourself to some kind of relationship with me while I was free to not dedicate myself to you until reliability and trust were established. You’d have to reach out and reach out and reach out over and over again. It couldn’t be mutual in the beginning, and it would take time to become mutual (if it did at all – if I could come to trust again) due to my skittishness. There would be times when I would look at what you were giving with suspicion and hold my heart close to me, afraid to put it in your care again. And despite that skittishness, you’d have to stay steady.

In times I would reach out to you, you’d have to respond quickly and consistently so that the time gap doesn’t allow the fear of abandonment to kick in. Any response you gave would have to consistently be welcoming, compassionate, and understanding so that the fear of rejection isn’t set off.

But I’m not sure you want to dedicate yourself to any relationship right now – acquaintance, friend, partner, son, grandson, nephew, cousin. And I’m definitely not sure you have the patience to foster a relationship with me – someone who’s skittish from prior abandonment and abuse, someone who would take more work to be involved with than someone who hasn’t experienced those things. Why would you want me back in your life, especially when I’m damaged? I’m not the open, trusting person that I was before. I don’t have the same mental resources to support you the way I did before.

Love and trust used to sit on the surface of me. Now they’re buried and protected. They’re still there, but they take more work to get to. It’s like gold that has to be dug up rather than simply panned from a stream or picked up off the ground. And it certainly isn’t going to jump into your pocket the way it used to….

From what I’ve seen lately, it seems like you’d rather dedicate yourself to yourself and only yourself. So I’m not sure where that leaves us or any other person you relate with in your life. There doesn’t seem to be room in you for any kind of interdependence alongside the expanding independence. I’m not sure you want to be attached to anyone or anything.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults

All of my attachments used to be secure. I viewed myself and others very positively. So I approached my relationship with John like this: “It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to John. I am comfortable depending on him and having him depend on me. I don't worry about being alone or having him not accept me, but I also really enjoy his company and would like to become more involved.”

But shortly after we met, the perceptible abuse began. (There were many lies that were told to me, but at that time, I had no reason not to believe them, so I openly accepted them.) It wasn’t long before he would log out without a word, leaving me to stand alone somewhere in Runescape. He would even yell at me and lash out at me after he had had some confrontation with others that I hadn’t even been involved with. Within the first few weeks of us talking on an IM program, he was building me up with loving, understanding, and admiring talk and sharing with me. He would also call me names and lash out directly at me. The more of this back and forth roller coaster of emotion I experienced, the more my self-esteem diminished. I developed an anxious-preoccupied attachment. I started to think, “I want to be completely emotionally intimate with John (because of the wonderful, positive things), but I often find that he is reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without a close relationship to him, but because of the negative things he does, I sometimes worry that he doesn't value me as much as I value him.” In my mind, this attachment style was to be the centerpiece of our relationship.

After the betrayal, I would find myself fluctuating between dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant attachments to John, depending upon how I viewed myself. I would go back and forth between saying,

1) “I am comfortable not having a close emotional relationship with him. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on him or have him depend on me.” (dismissive-avoidant)

2) “I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to him. I want an emotionally close relationship, but I find it difficult to trust him completely, or to depend on him. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to him.”

I don’t think my relationship with John would have lasted as long as it had if I wasn’t predisposed to having secure attachments. My mind naturally gravitates toward positive views of myself and others. The abuse dragged me down, but I would always rise up again.

I look at this model and immediately see how John’s natural inclination for low sociability and my inclination for higher sociability characterize a fundamental difference between us. My general attachment style is secure (“It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don't worry about being alone or having others not accept me.”). John’s general attachment style is fearful (“I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others.”).

I guess opposites attract, but can they ever mesh? John saw this conflict between us from the very beginning. I did too, but my loving arrogance made me hopeful that I could pull him up to the positive-positive quadrant with me. I didn’t respect the natural law that I can’t pull him up. He has to choose to move up and intentionally look for new experiences that would replace the past experiences that programmed his general attachment style. All I can do is humbly support and reinforce him along the way.

This isn’t to say that I have nothing to learn from John’s attachment style. He taught me how to be more cautious, and that makes me a more balanced person, but I’m still inclined toward the secure attachment style.

This was where our relationship ended up. This is a picture of what led to it breaking on my side. “The cycle ends only when the situation shifts to a security based strategy (because the partner finally responds positively) or when the person switches to an attachment avoidant strategy (because the person gives up on getting a positive response from the partner).” I switched to an attachment avoidant strategy with John (that I’m still in now), because he’s unresponsive.

This also happens. It’s happening right now with the non-response to the messages I sent last night.

When we have this, things are great!

Attachment and Mental Health in Relationships

Three Principal Patterns of Attachment

Attachment researchers have categorized people based on three principal patterns of attachment. The first is a pattern of secure attachment, in which the person is confident that someone (like a lover) will be available, responsive, and helpful.

The second is that of anxious resistant attachment, in which the individual is uncertain if someone will be available and because of that uncertainty, is prone to separation anxiety and is anxious about exploring the world.

The third pattern is an anxious avoidant attachment, in which the individual has no confidence that when he or she seeks care, they will be responded to, and on the contrary, expects rejection.

Adult Romantic Attachment
These three kinds of patterns play out in adult romantic life as well in childhood attachment. It is estimated that only about 20 percent of the American population has secure attachment behaviors -- the ability to give and receive care with comfort, and a degree of self-esteem that is not dependent on their lover's reinforcement. What's left in most of us? We either have a tendency to avoid feelings and closeness, or a confusing pattern of craving and mistrusting love -- in various degrees.

People with anxious attachment disorder are vigilant clock-watchers. Since they are dependent on contact and affirmation from their partner, they have an uncanny ability to sense if contact is waning. They tend to be chronic voice mail and e-mail checkers, and have a need for constant texting. They can also be easily prone to feelings of jealousy. They love and respect their partner, but are also wary that that love may disappear. And, while people with anxious attachment disorder crave closeness, they can also be surprisingly terrified when they actually get what they crave. We've all met or dated someone who sent us contradictory messages and led us to believe they were interested, only to disappear or behave badly and send us running. People with anxious attachment disorder don't trust that love is real or reliable, and so they often behave badly when things feel too good.

Attachment theory holds so many keys to adult romantic pair bonding. The unique mating dance of couples is choreographed by the internal world of both partners, creating, in the end, a performance that runs the gamut from an embracing waltz to one in which the dancers continually step on each others' feet. It is a reflection of the secret world of an infant and parent, played out again with a grown-up body and a new kind of mother -- a lover.

Mental Health and Attachment

It struck me as I was in a semi-dream state coming out of sleep. I wonder if one of John's mental health issues is related to attachment. Does he have an attachment disorder?

I know that I've had many attachment issues with John. Here's an article that expresses why I feel the way I do about him at different times: http://www.momlogic.com/2009/09/do_you_have_an_anxious_attachment_disorder.php.

Fluctuations - Detachment and Attachment

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Statement of Betrayal

http://www.blacksunjournal.com/psychology/18_betrayal-part-1-of-3-by-james-hillman_2001.html

You betrayed me, John. It was the ultimate betrayal. You intentionally withheld the love and support that I had come to rely upon - the way God abandoned Jesus to the cross. You were intentionally brutal. You intentionally sacrificed me, just like in that well know story from the Bible.

I don't believe in the supernatural element of these stories as real, but I do believe in the power of the stories to express the human condition.

Like Jesus trusting in God, I trusted that:

• You wouldn't hurt me.
• If you did hurt me, you would be regretful and soothe me and work to fix the hurt.
• If you left, you would come back.
• You would be there for me.
• You would work with me through anything.
• You would hold me through the struggles.
• You would trust me to work my way back to you when I was hurt.
• Deep down in your core, you loved me.

That trust was betrayed.

I should have known better. I knew from the very beginning that you had a long history of playing God - building people up to trust you then betraying them. The girl you got pictures from.... The woman you toyed with before you met me.... Building Jeff and Matt up as your friends then stabbing them in the back with judgmental accusations of homosexuality.... (They were both very hurt by that.) Many, many other instances.... And you betrayed me many times throughout our relationship.... Just never as badly as this....

But are you God or are you just playing at being God? God's intentional betrayal of Jesus was so that he could experience what is was to be human, to experience the cycle of love, betrayal, and forgiveness. Why did you betray me, John? Was it because you love me or was it because you wanted for yourself?

Did you put issues before character, principles, and values?
Did you think that getting a job and an education and having freedom from a relationship (issues) were more important than living a life based on character, principles, and values? Did you think that your age and "stage in life" (an issue) prevents you from living a life based on character, principles, and values? Did you use reason to substantiate your loss of integrity with me?

It's best that you continue to play God. I don't want you to reach out and lift me up. I want to be on my own for now and learn to resurrect myself. I want to find that strength. Once I do, I'll be open to forgiving you for the betrayal. But that forgiveness will be much harder for me to find if you don't acknowledge me, if you don't fully look at and acknowledge what you've done, if you continue to deny what we once shared, be cynical about it, and alienate yourself from it to protect yourself from being hurt again.

Please.... fully recognize me so that we can both move on. I'll do the same for you. I'll work to fully acknowledge the many ways that I betrayed your trust. Please.... Talk with me. We'll both remain trapped in this relationship of betrayer and betrayed if we don't open the door to talk with one another deeply about our experiences.

We wouldn't be trying to go back to what we had. We can never have that again. Our Eden is gone forever. But we can work toward forgiveness, reconciliation, healing, and new life.

Remores for My Self-Betrayal

*intensely sobbing*

How could I become like this? I was so loving. It was my center. How did I become so contaminated? I've become a monster. God damn you!

You're like a vampire who bit me and changed me. How will I ever get to the light again without feeling like a fraud? I'm so cold and void of life.

Hate, Rage, Revenge, and Self-Betrayal

You have no idea what you've done to me. You intentionally betrayed me, rejected me, abandoned me. I'm trying to be understanding, but I can't. I don't understand why you would so thoroughly reject me the way you have. I'm shattered. You wouldn't even talk to me.

How dare you tell me that you'd go on a boat ride with me! How dare you keep leading me on - over and over again! Build me up...... The build up just made the fall that much more shattering.

You're evil! Satan was an angel before he fell. This was your fall - an utter fall from grace. You're a monster! Perhaps you should grace this earth by removing your presence! You don't deserve to live after you killed me the way you did.

I loath the idea of your presence. I loath the idea of your touch. It's repulsive! The image of good I had of you allowed me to love. That image is gone. The image of you being loving is now repulsive, something to be shunned. You're filthy and disgusting!

The dreams you had of me killing you and hurting you..... I want to do that now. The dreams you had of me defiling myself having sex with all those people...... No way! There's no way I'd defile myself like some animal. But stab you and carve you up...... yes, I want to hurt you now. Those dreams..... have come true - at least in my mind.

And you had the audacity to feel empathy for the husband who kills his wife after she betrays him!!! You fucking hypocrite!!! You did nothing but foreshadow what would happen between you and me, but in this case, it's the wife wanting to kill her husband for his betrayal - his utter lack of care. You rubbed it in my face, just like that nasty whore of a woman who betrayed her husband!

How dare you condemn the whore! You're the whore! The whore who thought that so many other things (you're own desires) were so much more important than treating me respectfully......

YOU FUCKING, STUPID SHIT! NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE WAY YOU TREAT PEOPLE!!!!

Even if you did want to leave, you could have been respectful. But you acted like a filthy, degenerate whore.

Waiting for that perfect day

Right now, in this moment, I just want John to be out of my mind. I don't want to think about him anymore. He's still there, but I'm ready for him to be gone.

Links I've been reading on betrayal

http://dynamic.uoregon.edu/~jjf/defineBT.html
"What is a Betrayal Trauma? What is Betrayal Trauma Theory?" by Jennifer J. Freyd, University of Oregon

One part of this article that made an impression on me was about children turning a blind eye to betrayal by caregivers, how it's a survival mechanism. It reminds me how I would turn a blind eye to the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse I experienced in the house of a caregiver when I was a child - the fear I had when the sitter would grab my face and threaten me, telling me to never tell my parents about what happened.

As I research to learn more about the abuse and betrayal I experienced with John, it leads me to explore other forms of abuse and betrayal in my life.


http://www.experiencefestival.com/betrayal_-_psychology_of_betrayal


http://www.calldrmatt.com/Facts&Truth.htm
"When a clear distinction is made between facts and Truth, we realize that words can be factual yet untrue at the same time; a person's words may be technically correct but when inward intent is not true . . . then only fact-speaking can occur—as opposed to Truth-telling. The distinguishing element is this: When the motive behind the message is false, then superficially accurate words are false from their foundations—this is the very meaning of empty rhetoric: words expressed without wholeness of heart."

John told me so many things to build me up and make me feel attached to him, but they turned out to be empty rhetoric.


http://members.shaw.ca/bethhedva/rev_edition.htm
This is a book that looks promising.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/learning-play/201001/betrayal
An article from Psychology Today


http://books.google.com/books?id=IlYHQuxuWMsC&pg=PA475&lpg=PA475&dq=psychology+of+betrayal&source=bl&ots=RVThOGiHE3&sig=Y5bRWYAtJxmAqRLDihd6wfzd1r8&hl=en&ei=mgd7S9XLF8uXtgfa3eGdCg&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=3&ved=0CA8Q6AEwAjgK#v=onepage&q=psychology%20of%20betrayal&f=false
Handbook of Personality Psychology by Robert Hogan, John A. Johnson, Stephen R. Briggs


http://psychology.utk.edu/people/jones.html
Someone who could help?


http://www.blacksunjournal.com/psychology/18_betrayal-part-1-of-3-by-james-hillman_2001.html
Long article on betrayal by philosopher James Hillman from an atheist website


http://www.iifac.org/bonfire/pdf/183_en.pdf
First in a series of articles on betrayal, revenge, and forgiveness

http://www.iifac.org/bonfire/pdf/186_en.pdf
Second in the series

http://www.thoughts.com/blog/browse/keywordSearch/betrayal
Other people's blogs about betrayal

http://retiredeagle.wordpress.com/2010/01/16/trust-and-betrayal-relationships-with-self-and-other/
A blog post

http://stanford.wellsphere.com/relationships-sex-article/betrayal-is-the-willful-slaughte/376429
One of the most personable articles on betrayal that I've read so far

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/family-and-relationships/why-he-fears-sexual-betrayal-and-she-tears-over-emotional-infidelity/article1448219/
"Both cases prop up long-standing, cross-cultural research into jealousy that suggests women view emotional infidelity as a much more serious breach of trust than sexual trysts. Research has also shown the reverse is true for men, who often get more jealous about a partner’s sexual infidelity than emotional betrayal."

http://www.abusivelove.com/2006/06/betrayal-in-abusive-marriage-and-other.html
A blog post about betrayal

http://www.abusivelove.com/
An interesting title for a website. I'll have to check this out.

Ayreon - Comatose

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8zj8ihXM4CM

Lyrics:
Voice 1:
No need to feel the pain
No need to feel betrayed
No need to feel inane
No need to feel afraid

Voice 2:
Wake me up before I die, hold me close
As I gaze upon the sky, comatose
No reason to survive, I suppose
Wake us up... before we die

Voice 1:
No need to feel desire

Voice 2:
But I need you with me

Voice 1:
No need to feel so small

Voice 2:
But I need to feel secure

Voice 1:
No need to feel the fire

Voice 2:
But I need to feel free

Voice 1:
No need to feel at all

Voice 2:
But I need to know for sure

John used to listen to this song over and over again on our car rides. I think he's always felt kinship with Voice 2.

I used to feel more kinship with Voice 1, but today, for the first time, I felt kinship with Voice 2. How is it that I fluctuate so much between love and pain?

Ayreon - Age of Shadows / We Are Forever

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIqRsl8Vm-Q

Ayreon was the first band that John introduced me to, the very first night we met.

I was listening to "Age of Shadows / We Are Forever" today with new ears.

Lyrics:

We never saw this coming
Pride comes before a fall
We never heeded the warnings
Buried deep within us all

Wow! It's true that I never saw this coming. When I met John, I felt so drawn to his pain. I wanted to be a light in his darkness. There were signs at the very beginning that I would get hurt, but I ignored them.

Lyrics:
The Age of Shadows has begun
Giant machines blot out our sun
Frozen minds becoming numb
The Age of Shadows has begun

A shadow has always hovered over our relationship. There have been many times we've both felt numb, but I've never felt as numb at any other time as I feel now.

Lyrics:
The Age of Shadows has begun
I won't accept what we've become
We stand to lose more than we've won
The Age of Shadows has begun

It's true. I won't accept what John and I have become. We do stand to lose more than we've won. I'm afraid of losing my very self.

Lyrics:
Our quenchless thirst for knowledge
Our urge to change and grow
Our need to expand the nation
Made us rise from the depths below

OMG! This thirst, this urge, this need to expand made me rise so high. I rose out of the depths of innocence and ignorance.

Lyrics:
No more aggression
No more initiative

John has a strongly aggressive / violent side to him. He also has a side that utterly lacks initiative.

Lyrics:
No more suppression
No more emotions

I used to suppress myself. John taught me how to let my emotions out.

Lyrics:
No more recession
No more of all the feelings we shared that made us who we really are

Lyrics:
No more possessions
No more euphoria

It feels like we don't have each other anymore. The euphoria of being home to each other is gone in the face of emptiness.

Lyrics:
No more obsessions
No more sensations

We used to obsess about each other. He was always in my mind. Ugh! He still is. He made me feel so much.

Lyrics:
No more depressions
No more of all the passions that shaped our hearts and made us who we are

John and the passion we shared has been the primary influence on who I am today.

Lyrics:
Time, but a passageway
The beginning of the end
An end that never was
Time, but a curve in space

We are Forever, eternal prisoners in time
We are Forever, caught in our cold inertia

Longing...hoping...waiting...for no one...

:,( Ouch!

Lyrics:
Forever we yearn, forever we learn
Forever we live a lie, forever slipping by and
Forever we flee, forever we will be
Forever is but a dream, forever is but a scream and
Forever we try, forever we die

The spell of love wore off
The zest for life not enough

Longing...hoping...waiting...for no one...

I've felt all of this, but I'm going to fight it. I'm going to fight to pull myself out of it and rise up like a phoenix from the purging flames.

I know you needed space, but dammit.... why did it have to be like this?

I know that you had to get away from me to heal.

I just wish you hadn't betrayed me to do that.

I wish you had told me, "I need to go, but I'll be back."

It still would have hurt, but not nearly as badly as this.

Now that I feel the full brunt of betrayal, I realize that you felt the hurt of betrayal much more deeply than me. Even though the betrayal wasn't real, even though it was only in your mind, it was still far more excruciating for you than it is for me.

The feelings that come from being betrayed makes the body sick. My body feels the impact of it, but I know that your body was in so much more torment than mine is.

Your Torture
Source: Your mind - You imagined me to be betraying you.
Intensity: Physically and mentally debilitating - loss of bodily control
Afterward: When I knew of those tortuous feelings inside you, I had arms to hold you and sooth you and show the dream to be a lie.

My Torture
Source: You abandoning me in real life
Intensity: Emptiness, numbness, uncontrolable crying, mental debilitation - I didn't lose my body to the betrayal the way you did. This shows me how much more intense your hurt was.
Afterward: I don't have your arms to hold me, to reassure me that it isn't real. I know that it's as real as it gets.

I trusted that......

I trusted that:

• He wouldn't hurt me.
• If he did hurt me, he would be regretful and soothe me and work to fix the hurt.
• If he left, he would come back.
• He would be there for me.
• We could work out anything.
• He would hold me through the struggles.
• He would trust me to work my way back to him when I was hurt.
• Deep down in his core, he loved me.

From: http://www.experiencefestival.com/a/Betrayal/id/1931332

Betrayal, as a form of deception, is the violation of a social contract (trust, confidence) that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship between individuals, organizations, or individuals and organizations.

Betrayal is both a "people" problem and a philosopher's problem. Philosophers should be able to clarify the concept of betrayal, compare and contrast it with other moral concepts, and critically assess betrayal situations. At the practical level people should be able to make honest sense of betrayal and also to temper its consequences: to handle it, not be assaulted by it. What we need is a conceptually clear account of betrayal that differentiates between genuine and merely perceived betrayal, and which also provides systematic guidance for the assessment of alleged betrayal in real life.

80% bad / 20% good

John and I lived a roller coaster relationship. When it was good, it was very, very good. When it was bad, it would range from mildly stressful to utterly horrific and crippling.

We both experienced this very wide range of emotion. We both have felt loved, cherished, and adored. We have also both felt betrayed and empty.

The feeling of betrayal lived in John almost every day. Before I even met John, he had a very low view of all women. He didn't trust them at all. I can't stress just how low his view of women was.

His relationship with me helped to improve his view of women, but he would still layer his extremely negative views on top of me. I think these negative views had an impact on the dreams that he would have about me.

He would have nightmares of me betraying him. Sometimes the nightmares were so bad that they would cause him to physically lose control of his body - convulsions, urination, and defecation. He would dream of me cheating on him with multiple other men and rubbing it in his face. He would dream of me physically attacking him, cutting him with a knife, killing him even.

I don't know why he saw me like this. I'm NOTHING like that image. It hurt me deeply that he would see me that way.

He lived with so much torture in his mind. How could I fight these images in his mind in real life? How could I get him to believe that I loved him in the face of that?

Because of the thoughts about women that he held before I even met him and how those thoughts came out in his dreams about me, I was extremely limited. I needed his help. I needed him to consciously create images in his head of me loving him. I needed him to have a fundamental paradigm shift.

If only he could have seen me in his mind.... loving him.... he could have received and been nurtured by the love that I gave. He could have seen that I loved him. Even when I was busy with other things in life, he could have seen that I loved him. We could have built trust. He would have realized that he was my home, my anchor and that I would always come back to him.

But because of all the betrayal he experienced in his mind, he couldn't trust me. No matter what I gave, it wouldn't be a deposit. So many times, the bank of his heart and mind would be closed. How could I make a deposit if the bank was closed?

Then there were the times when I would be left in the dark. He wouldn't tell me about the nightmares that he had and the betrayal that he felt. So I would treat him as though everything was alright. Sometimes I was busy, out and about doing the activities of the day. If only I had known, I would have chosen to be right there by his side, showing him the love that he needed to recover from what had happened to him in the dream.

There were other times when I would be left in the dark, but I would sense that something was wrong. I would become afraid that I was losing him, and I'd cling to him and try to hold him to me, not out of love, but out of fear. Well.... love was there, but it would be overshadowed by fear.

The relationship that John and I shared was full of many deep-seated issues. I knew that they were there from the very beginning, when I had first met him online.

I knew that he had a very rough past. Mental health problems, lots of medication and professional intervention, violence, suicidal thoughts and attempts. I knew all of that. But despite the problems, I saw good in him.

I wanted to be a light in his life and help take away his shadows. It breaks my heart to see his suffering. I loved him so much. I still do. I wish I could be more to him, but at this point, he won't let me be.

What makes a great lover?

In the shower this morning, I thought more about John as a lover. What made him a skilled lover and what made him a great lover?

The first time I was with John, he was a virgin. Being new to having sex with another person, he didn't have any skills, but he did have desire. He had knowledge of what he wanted to do, but he needed practice to build skill at actually doing it.

It was the same for me. It's not like I came to the relationship with this huge amount of skill behind me. I practiced and built skill with him the same way he practiced and built skill with me. Us building skill made us good lovers.

After awhile, John became very skilled at giving me multiple orgasms in different ways each time we were together, but that made him nothing more than a skilled lover. It's good to have skill. It means you have more resources for physical pleasure to offer. But skill isn't what makes a lover great.

What made John a great lover was that he infused what he did with love and adoration. He was a great lover because he cherished me. No matter what level of skill he had, he was a great lover. The more skill he gained, the more physical pleasure he could give me. But that was pale in comparison to the way he filled my heart. And he filled my heart from the very beginning..... before the skill had been developed.

I wish I understood why that love that was inside of him would disappear the way it did.

[add the last loving he had typed to me]

You left me the next day.

Emptiness, Filling Up, and Principles

I was so empty last night that I couldn't follow through with my principles. Waking up this morning, I had a whirlwind of thoughts swirling in my mind, but I wasn't nearly as empty as I was last night. I was starting to become functional again, but I wasn't stable. I didn't have direction.

Then I looked over at the table beside me and saw The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I've been studying and working through this book for the past couple of months. I opened the book to where my bookmark was.

Talk about having a message in front of you at the exact time that you need it!! It was pages 122-128, "A Principle Center." I know that I want to live from the principles of love, service, and integrity through commitment.

When I read the comparison of thoughts and actions about a situation that result from different centers (pages 126-127), I was struck yet again by the power of a principle-centered life.

This realization helped me to resolve a problem that had been swirling around in my mind when I woke up - sexuality. My sexuality had become so tied to John, that I was afraid I would have difficulty releasing again. Because my focus/center was him, it would feel like a betrayal for me to release without him.

But then I realized that if I release through a principle center, then I'm releasing with love. He may still be in that picture of love that resides in my mind, but he isn't the center of the picture. Love is the center.

Filling the Emptiness Inside - Space, Love, and Insecurity

I’m sitting at the kitchen table, feeling so empty. I’m reading Shattered, looking for the help of those who have walked the path of betrayal before me. Marty is walking around. I had made him broccoli and wrote a thank you note to him for kindnesses he had done for me yesterday.

He kept talking to me about little things. I was so empty that my brain couldn’t process what he was saying. I needed to have space to fill myself up again before I would have anything to give to others. I told him this, but he kept talking about all of these little things. Realizing that he wasn’t going to stop, I picked up my things and left the room to close myself off in the bedroom.

I want to be able to give to others, but I just can’t right now. I’m too empty. I know that this can change within a matter of minutes or hours, but right now at this moment, I'm empty.

It made me think of all the times you had felt betrayed by me, especially the dreams you would have. You would often want space to recover. You wanted to give to me, but you just couldn’t. You had to be filled up first. You would want me to fill you up and put a lie to the nightmares, to the betrayal you felt. But I didn’t always fully understand what you needed.

I loved you so much. I still do. I wanted so much to fill that emptiness that is there in the aftermath of betrayal. I still do. I wish you were here to hold me and show me that the betrayal isn’t true – this nightmare that I’m experiencing isn’t true. Knowing how it feels to be empty after a betrayal, I know now what is needed from others to become filled up again. I understand the value of being held and loved. I also understand the value of space.

Knowing what I know now, I wish I could have another chance to fill you. I wish I could have another chance to put my own insecurities aside and hold you close. I was so afraid that your emptiness would cause so much pain that you’d leave me. When I saw it, I tried so hard to fill it. I tried so hard to make you feel loved, but I failed. I know now why you needed the space. It was because of my failure. It was because of how my own insecurity overshadowed my love and didn’t let it shine through in the way that you needed it. I wish I could have held on to my belief that I could fill the emptiness inside of you.

I’m so sorry!

Has emptiness stopped me from living my principles?

me: hey

AM: hey hey hey
back from martial arts?

me: well
i dropped Jefferson off at 5pm
then came back
and took a nap
just woke up a little bit ago

AM: oh...got it

me: shattered again :(

AM: what happened

me: i went to sleep with that loving image in my mind
but i guess my dreams and thoughts
happened to me as I was waking up
i couldn't find that image anywhere
the only image I could see was betrayal
so i'm trying to recover from that image now

AM: the image changed as you were waking up?
what can I do to help? leave you alone, or chat or...what?

me: idk yet
talking is helping
i wish that i had that same drive and desire to come over and look at the socializing options and friendship project stuff that i had earlier
but it just isn't there right now
i'm starting to read a book i got from the library
"Shattered"
about steps to recovering from betrayal

AM: so you're planning to stay over there tonight?

me: :( i think so
the image of sleeping with jefferson is helping me

AM: ok

me: so it must the the right thing to do right now

AM: ok
yep
sounds like it to me

me: i feel bad about it

AM: and you didn't get to talk to him last night

me: because it means that i can't be with you
and i want to be with you
to share time together
but i'm just not mentally there
i really wish i was

AM: thank you, but.....we're back to .....take care of yourself
you can't give if there's nothing to give
take care of yourself

me: :'(
thank you so much for understanding
i wish it wasn't about me
i wish i wasn't so empty
but i am

AM: I know

me: and i need to pull myself out of it

AM: the best thing I can do is get out of your way and allow you to fill yourself up
if I could help, I'm here.....
you know that

me: i know
thank you
*squeezes your hand*
you're very strong

AM: squeezing back
am I crushing your hand?

me: no
it's good to know you're there

AM: and good that you know that....that you can rely on that

me: i'm goind to make some fresh broccoli
something marty would like
pay him back in some way for what he gave me yesterday
he gave a lot
going to Dad's birthday

AM: that's nice
then coming by here

me: being with Dad when I broke down and couldn't be there
driving both ways
driving me to your house to get my stuff
he was really good to me
he couldn't join me where I was
he didn't understand where I was mentally

AM: but he did what he could to help

me: he kept pulling me out of it with superficial conversation
but yes
he did what he could
and I appreciate it so much
so i'd like to give something back

AM: let him know it when you can

me: i will
again tonight
i acknowledged him and thanked him last night
but i'll do it again tonight
a note to go with the broccoli
i'd better get to work on that before he gets back with jefferson

AM: kk
off you go

me: thank you so much for being here to talk with me and hold my hand

AM: my pleasure

me: i'll be back for you as soon as i can

AM: you know me....I'd get lost if I tried to go anywhere without you
so I'll stay put

me: *shy smile*
ok
then i'll know right where to find you

AM: hehe

me: enjoy your evening
i'll let you know when i'm back
even if i'm busy with other things

AM: OK

Every time I reach out, he gets more practice at hardening his heart. Because I love him, I don't want to prod him toward his own self-destruction.

me: im feeling a lot better
the bitterness is gone

AM: good
you were feeling good this morning? or no?

me: I can fully accept what I texted John earlier.
yes
I was feeling good
but then I struggled
I imagined him coming back
and I begged him not to come and ruin the loving image that I have in my mind
the image that can sustain me and make me happy
one day
his face may morph into another face
but right now
it's still his
i'll still take refuge in that
but i don't want him to come in and ruin it with reality
well

AM: yeah.....if you can keep him as your face of love....then that's a good thing

me: at least not with the current reality of being rejected

AM: exactly

me: it's absolutely true that i don't want him as he is now, with the attitude and behavior that he has toward me
but I do still love him
I think I always will

AM: you love the loving part of him.....

me: yes
he's a great lover
both spiritually and physically
well - the physical comes from the spiritual

AM: it's just that there was so much of the other parts that got in the way

me: yes

AM: hold on to the good parts....in your memory...in you mind
and let the bad parts go with him

me: yes
that's what I plan to do
I wish he would do the same
but he's trying to forget the good parts

AM: can't control what he does....got to let that go

me: he has it all wrong
i know
I think that the essence of the problems that we experienced
is that he didn't see himself as lovable
he didn't see himself as worthy
he was insecure
so he couldn't picture me loving him
because he couldn't picture me loving him
he didn't treat me as though I did

AM: we're back to the fact that you have to love yourself before you can love others...respect yourself before you can respect others....etc.

me: so I couldn't feed that image
yes

AM: can't give to someone what you don't have to give

me: I hope he one day comes to believe that he's lovable
it will open him to so much joy
sadly, there were times when I didn't reinforce that loving image well
I'm regretful of that
but I've learned
and become better

AM: but one person can't do it all alone.

me: i know

AM: he needed to reach out to multiple people to light his inner light
as well
you alone couldn't fill all his needs....

me: apparently not

AM: we said this from the very start

me: i wish i had been able to
but I couldn't

AM: and he wasn't willing to let anyone else in....

me: I'm sad thinking how he doesn't let people in
he's so incredibly sensitive
and gets hurt easily
it tears my heart to pieces
but there were moments when he felt loved and loved in return
it's those moments I'll hold on to

AM: stay in that place

me: it's so hard
i'm crying my eyes out in sadness for him right now
i think for the first time
i'm not crying for myself
but for him
he's been hurt so much
i reach out in love and he still sees me as Medusa

AM: I'm afraid to say this but , right now, he's doing what he feels he needs to do to not hurt......

me: i know he is
it's just the wrong thing to do
it's like cutting off his arm
or gouging out his eye

AM: I know and you know...and if you reach out, he'll try to hurt you again

me: to harden his heart....
but he can't hurt me anymore

AM: but it will continue to hurt him....and he'll go after another arm or eye

me: you're right
it's the first time i've see it that way
the more I reach out
the more he rejects
and when he rejects, he hurts himself by hardening his heart

AM: yes

me: he becomes like a stone

AM: help him stop that cycle

me: stones can't move

AM: stop reaching for him.....

me: =( i just want him to feel loved
but I see how it's hurting him