Every time I reach out, he gets more practice at hardening his heart. Because I love him, I don't want to prod him toward his own self-destruction.

me: im feeling a lot better
the bitterness is gone

AM: good
you were feeling good this morning? or no?

me: I can fully accept what I texted John earlier.
yes
I was feeling good
but then I struggled
I imagined him coming back
and I begged him not to come and ruin the loving image that I have in my mind
the image that can sustain me and make me happy
one day
his face may morph into another face
but right now
it's still his
i'll still take refuge in that
but i don't want him to come in and ruin it with reality
well

AM: yeah.....if you can keep him as your face of love....then that's a good thing

me: at least not with the current reality of being rejected

AM: exactly

me: it's absolutely true that i don't want him as he is now, with the attitude and behavior that he has toward me
but I do still love him
I think I always will

AM: you love the loving part of him.....

me: yes
he's a great lover
both spiritually and physically
well - the physical comes from the spiritual

AM: it's just that there was so much of the other parts that got in the way

me: yes

AM: hold on to the good parts....in your memory...in you mind
and let the bad parts go with him

me: yes
that's what I plan to do
I wish he would do the same
but he's trying to forget the good parts

AM: can't control what he does....got to let that go

me: he has it all wrong
i know
I think that the essence of the problems that we experienced
is that he didn't see himself as lovable
he didn't see himself as worthy
he was insecure
so he couldn't picture me loving him
because he couldn't picture me loving him
he didn't treat me as though I did

AM: we're back to the fact that you have to love yourself before you can love others...respect yourself before you can respect others....etc.

me: so I couldn't feed that image
yes

AM: can't give to someone what you don't have to give

me: I hope he one day comes to believe that he's lovable
it will open him to so much joy
sadly, there were times when I didn't reinforce that loving image well
I'm regretful of that
but I've learned
and become better

AM: but one person can't do it all alone.

me: i know

AM: he needed to reach out to multiple people to light his inner light
as well
you alone couldn't fill all his needs....

me: apparently not

AM: we said this from the very start

me: i wish i had been able to
but I couldn't

AM: and he wasn't willing to let anyone else in....

me: I'm sad thinking how he doesn't let people in
he's so incredibly sensitive
and gets hurt easily
it tears my heart to pieces
but there were moments when he felt loved and loved in return
it's those moments I'll hold on to

AM: stay in that place

me: it's so hard
i'm crying my eyes out in sadness for him right now
i think for the first time
i'm not crying for myself
but for him
he's been hurt so much
i reach out in love and he still sees me as Medusa

AM: I'm afraid to say this but , right now, he's doing what he feels he needs to do to not hurt......

me: i know he is
it's just the wrong thing to do
it's like cutting off his arm
or gouging out his eye

AM: I know and you know...and if you reach out, he'll try to hurt you again

me: to harden his heart....
but he can't hurt me anymore

AM: but it will continue to hurt him....and he'll go after another arm or eye

me: you're right
it's the first time i've see it that way
the more I reach out
the more he rejects
and when he rejects, he hurts himself by hardening his heart

AM: yes

me: he becomes like a stone

AM: help him stop that cycle

me: stones can't move

AM: stop reaching for him.....

me: =( i just want him to feel loved
but I see how it's hurting him