Filling the Emptiness Inside - Space, Love, and Insecurity

I’m sitting at the kitchen table, feeling so empty. I’m reading Shattered, looking for the help of those who have walked the path of betrayal before me. Marty is walking around. I had made him broccoli and wrote a thank you note to him for kindnesses he had done for me yesterday.

He kept talking to me about little things. I was so empty that my brain couldn’t process what he was saying. I needed to have space to fill myself up again before I would have anything to give to others. I told him this, but he kept talking about all of these little things. Realizing that he wasn’t going to stop, I picked up my things and left the room to close myself off in the bedroom.

I want to be able to give to others, but I just can’t right now. I’m too empty. I know that this can change within a matter of minutes or hours, but right now at this moment, I'm empty.

It made me think of all the times you had felt betrayed by me, especially the dreams you would have. You would often want space to recover. You wanted to give to me, but you just couldn’t. You had to be filled up first. You would want me to fill you up and put a lie to the nightmares, to the betrayal you felt. But I didn’t always fully understand what you needed.

I loved you so much. I still do. I wanted so much to fill that emptiness that is there in the aftermath of betrayal. I still do. I wish you were here to hold me and show me that the betrayal isn’t true – this nightmare that I’m experiencing isn’t true. Knowing how it feels to be empty after a betrayal, I know now what is needed from others to become filled up again. I understand the value of being held and loved. I also understand the value of space.

Knowing what I know now, I wish I could have another chance to fill you. I wish I could have another chance to put my own insecurities aside and hold you close. I was so afraid that your emptiness would cause so much pain that you’d leave me. When I saw it, I tried so hard to fill it. I tried so hard to make you feel loved, but I failed. I know now why you needed the space. It was because of my failure. It was because of how my own insecurity overshadowed my love and didn’t let it shine through in the way that you needed it. I wish I could have held on to my belief that I could fill the emptiness inside of you.

I’m so sorry!