Has emptiness stopped me from living my principles?

me: hey

AM: hey hey hey
back from martial arts?

me: well
i dropped Jefferson off at 5pm
then came back
and took a nap
just woke up a little bit ago

AM: oh...got it

me: shattered again :(

AM: what happened

me: i went to sleep with that loving image in my mind
but i guess my dreams and thoughts
happened to me as I was waking up
i couldn't find that image anywhere
the only image I could see was betrayal
so i'm trying to recover from that image now

AM: the image changed as you were waking up?
what can I do to help? leave you alone, or chat or...what?

me: idk yet
talking is helping
i wish that i had that same drive and desire to come over and look at the socializing options and friendship project stuff that i had earlier
but it just isn't there right now
i'm starting to read a book i got from the library
"Shattered"
about steps to recovering from betrayal

AM: so you're planning to stay over there tonight?

me: :( i think so
the image of sleeping with jefferson is helping me

AM: ok

me: so it must the the right thing to do right now

AM: ok
yep
sounds like it to me

me: i feel bad about it

AM: and you didn't get to talk to him last night

me: because it means that i can't be with you
and i want to be with you
to share time together
but i'm just not mentally there
i really wish i was

AM: thank you, but.....we're back to .....take care of yourself
you can't give if there's nothing to give
take care of yourself

me: :'(
thank you so much for understanding
i wish it wasn't about me
i wish i wasn't so empty
but i am

AM: I know

me: and i need to pull myself out of it

AM: the best thing I can do is get out of your way and allow you to fill yourself up
if I could help, I'm here.....
you know that

me: i know
thank you
*squeezes your hand*
you're very strong

AM: squeezing back
am I crushing your hand?

me: no
it's good to know you're there

AM: and good that you know that....that you can rely on that

me: i'm goind to make some fresh broccoli
something marty would like
pay him back in some way for what he gave me yesterday
he gave a lot
going to Dad's birthday

AM: that's nice
then coming by here

me: being with Dad when I broke down and couldn't be there
driving both ways
driving me to your house to get my stuff
he was really good to me
he couldn't join me where I was
he didn't understand where I was mentally

AM: but he did what he could to help

me: he kept pulling me out of it with superficial conversation
but yes
he did what he could
and I appreciate it so much
so i'd like to give something back

AM: let him know it when you can

me: i will
again tonight
i acknowledged him and thanked him last night
but i'll do it again tonight
a note to go with the broccoli
i'd better get to work on that before he gets back with jefferson

AM: kk
off you go

me: thank you so much for being here to talk with me and hold my hand

AM: my pleasure

me: i'll be back for you as soon as i can

AM: you know me....I'd get lost if I tried to go anywhere without you
so I'll stay put

me: *shy smile*
ok
then i'll know right where to find you

AM: hehe

me: enjoy your evening
i'll let you know when i'm back
even if i'm busy with other things

AM: OK