Attachment and Mental Health in Relationships

Three Principal Patterns of Attachment

Attachment researchers have categorized people based on three principal patterns of attachment. The first is a pattern of secure attachment, in which the person is confident that someone (like a lover) will be available, responsive, and helpful.

The second is that of anxious resistant attachment, in which the individual is uncertain if someone will be available and because of that uncertainty, is prone to separation anxiety and is anxious about exploring the world.

The third pattern is an anxious avoidant attachment, in which the individual has no confidence that when he or she seeks care, they will be responded to, and on the contrary, expects rejection.

Adult Romantic Attachment
These three kinds of patterns play out in adult romantic life as well in childhood attachment. It is estimated that only about 20 percent of the American population has secure attachment behaviors -- the ability to give and receive care with comfort, and a degree of self-esteem that is not dependent on their lover's reinforcement. What's left in most of us? We either have a tendency to avoid feelings and closeness, or a confusing pattern of craving and mistrusting love -- in various degrees.

People with anxious attachment disorder are vigilant clock-watchers. Since they are dependent on contact and affirmation from their partner, they have an uncanny ability to sense if contact is waning. They tend to be chronic voice mail and e-mail checkers, and have a need for constant texting. They can also be easily prone to feelings of jealousy. They love and respect their partner, but are also wary that that love may disappear. And, while people with anxious attachment disorder crave closeness, they can also be surprisingly terrified when they actually get what they crave. We've all met or dated someone who sent us contradictory messages and led us to believe they were interested, only to disappear or behave badly and send us running. People with anxious attachment disorder don't trust that love is real or reliable, and so they often behave badly when things feel too good.

Attachment theory holds so many keys to adult romantic pair bonding. The unique mating dance of couples is choreographed by the internal world of both partners, creating, in the end, a performance that runs the gamut from an embracing waltz to one in which the dancers continually step on each others' feet. It is a reflection of the secret world of an infant and parent, played out again with a grown-up body and a new kind of mother -- a lover.